I hold people to high standards. It is a problem, but one that I am happy to have.
It developed from growing up around people who had very low standards, if any at all. My parents’ peers were very shady, and when I started feeling isolated from my family, at around age 10, I started fearing that we would be raided by the police for any of an assortment of crimes, or associations with criminals. It sounds like I am describing Sanctuary or something, but I felt like my childhood was filled with violent psychopaths, drug abusers and petty thieves. And those were family gatherings.
I’ve described my childhood view of the world as it being filled with barbarians, and fearing that I would die upon being expelled from my house at 18. Until just recently I had assumed that point of view had been instilled in me solely by my parents. Now I figure it was more like my village, the people who raised me, who I was exposed to. I would certainly not associate with any of those people now. They are dangerous to themselves and to others, and completely lack integrity. I have no problem with drug use, or even a seemingly overly enthusiastic relationship with a gun collection. But I won’t put myself in situations where violence is likely to break out, or where people use intimidation and aggression in their language.
So, low standards. The beginning of my fortune starts by my ability to not only absorb a huge amount of stimuli and data as a child, but also the fear-induced behavior to feign ignorance and disinterest. Simply, I listened to everything, and no one thought I understood. I will talk about ageism at length sometime, but needless to say I had a lot of access to the language and schemes and fears and arguments of the adults around me.
I was turned into an outcast in my own family (I have a lot of holes to fill in this narrative ^_^), so I assume that rather than internalizing the transmitted values and behavior of my “village”, I observed it from afar. The side effect was that instead of being caught in their loops, I started questioning them. It would lead me to become a problem-solver, which is my default mode.
The aggregate effect is that I analyze stuff fairly quickly and comprehensively, and am ever adding more volume to the data available to me, from external sources and from just living my life. However, my initial steps into problem-solving made me lean on the high end of criticism, which means that if I am not on top of it, I sound like an asshole.
My awareness is starting to include the standards I hold things by. It sounds cliché, but I’ll say it: having a kid makes you aware of how you are going to come off when they start really understanding you. Clover is already freaking me out by these extraordinary displays of intelligence and interaction. On the other hand, Clover wears diapers, so I have at least a few more months before e is dissecting my personality and feigning indifference.
This new awareness has benefits! I am starting to understand, not really my clients, but at least the difference between my clients’ experience and knowledge, and mine. When Susan and I have an argument, I am starting to see how absurd it is, and can start being an emotionally receptive adult rather than reverting to an insecure child. And I am also working out what I am doing with my life, the work/play/crisis/epiphany stuff, so I feel more productive, less self-critical and more chilled out.
Being chilled out is dope. 