Watching my child sleep gives me insight into why a person would want a god to believe in.
I am an atheist in practice (also a human secularist), but am agnostic in my heart. They don’t conflict, because wanting to believe there is something “greater” doesn’t really have anything to do with handling the problems of this world (hunger, poverty, power-hungry people).
As late as my teens I found myself praying to god, always in a moment when I needed something. Having been homeless, and kicked out of school, I adjusted my reaction in those moments to spend less time praying, and more time acting. When I was able to learn more about the world, that became my new behavior, to tolerate prayer in those that don’t think they have anything else, but to not get lost in inaction myself.
Well, it’s come full circle. Last night Clover had a particular difficult time getting to rest. Hungry, over-tired and having a stuffy nose, it created a cocktail of frustration and discomfort, two things that babbies don’t enjoy (and some non-babbies do, that is a different topic…). I was fine, I actually feel that I have gotten quite the handle on Clover struggling with those, I can be the eir rock, calm and supportive. We squigied eir nose, rocked for a while, and then finished the bottle into slumber.
My observation came when I walked into the other room after laying Clover down, and heard a rasping breath come from eir little body. Like many new parents, I immediately ran through all the horrible choking scenarios I’ve grown accustomed to imagining. Of course Clover was fine. Stuffy nose babby.
Turning out the light again I felt compelled to say a small prayer over Clover. It made sense, I couldn’t do anything. I need my own rest to care for Clover, I can’t listen to every breath, nor watch over every facial twitch. I tried that, for {Clover + three weeks}. That fourth week I sleep like the literal babby I was next to. At some point I have to submit to the idea that some things are not in my control, and hope for the best.
Clover woke up this morning, completely fine and happy and smiling and flirting and stretching and a little less congested. I only woke up four times to check on em last night.
I get why people want a deity to pray to. There is so much for us to act on, but it is nice to have insurance for all those things out of our control. Clover certainly brings that into focus for me.
Fortunately, we are fine as we are. 