Last night Susan and I watched What the Bleep Do We Know!?. I hadn’t seen it in its entirety since the theater. It was perfect timing.
In one part of the movie there is a segment that deals heavily with peptides. One of the narrators talks about how they would describe addiction, the need to feel a certain way that is tied to particular emotions. That was the part that I needed to be reminded of.
I addicted to a particular configuration, an emotional state. It is part of my life quest, and it has affected me my entire adult life. I am a little closer to dealing with it in a way that I want, becoming the person that I want to be. My addiction is risk-adverse melancholy (the name is a work in progress, but it describes it well enough).
I believe it to be the conclusion of a turbulent childhood. It is an understatement to say that I had a series of traumatic experiences growing up, and of course I didn’t choose to go through them. My particular chemical cocktail produced in me an incredibly subtle sense of risk-adverseness. Even now my childhood memories are tinged with a fear of the barbaric world that I was born into, and my earliest fantasies were being simply comfortable (literally being without hunger and being warm).
Fast-forward to now and my mental contention becomes obvious: I have a deep psychological battle going on between my sense of ambition and my sense of risk-adverseness. I am brilliant in my own way, and I am also the only restraint holding me back. It manifests in my work, in my play (the times that I actual let go) and my relationships.
But screw all that. Time to change the flow of peptides that I am so comfortable with (re: addicted to) to something that can help me manifest the reality that I want for myself, one of creation and assistance to those around me.
Here comes the breakdown.