Let’s test a theory about being alone. There is some old saying about how a person couldn’t stand to sit in a chair for any amout of time, with nothing else to do.
When I first heard that I thought, well, that was a long time ago, so maybe everything was just boring. Like, most places and activities were boring, so just sitting in a chair in a room is just a less convient boring, but it must have exaggerated. They didn’t have video games or meme videos, they’d never been distracted by a mobile device. Surely they could sit in a chair alone, it is we who can not, with our modern world of anxiety and distraction!
Now I don’t know what I believe. Are humans doomed to not understand the benefits of solitude, except for those few that seem fanatical in their embrace of alone? Or maybe I just don’t know, maiki.
I’m typing this on a “phone” while waiting for a school bell to ring. The impulse to write at this moment came from wondering if I will ever write the important parts. I’m tuning out the noise, no apps, no all the time online.
And it’s scary, and embarrassing, because who am I without the discussion? If I write without expecting feedback, what stories do I tell? Whose?
Mine would be the obvious choice, but I’m not thrilled by the prospect. My stories hurt.
Oomph, thats a lot to unpack. So this is it, we’ve reached bedrock. After this it is all laser drills and childhood trauma.
Okay, what does it feel like?
Creme brulé!
But as a scab. Over your heart.
Gross, but it gets more graphic!
So it is tender inside. You can feel it, like something innocent, a ball of custardy unconditional self-love! Oh we want that!
And the only reason youre here at all is because you belive deep down inside it is worth it! So pets crack this burnt shell…
But it isn’t that easy, because what happens to that part? Does it slide aside cleanly, letting air and light in where none had been? Or does it collapse on itself, creating smaller, harder to reach shards that are now floating in your love filling, and they will cut your mouth and remember all the years you cut your mouth and no one cared or helped.
I lose my appetite.
So when maiki is alone, even the food insecurity pops up… humans have never been able to sit in a room alone in a chair. At least no maiki did.