June 8, 2019 - Sat on a Tuffet

really terrible anxiety dreams and really terrible anxiety


That sucks, I’m sorry. I’ve been there.


Such a warm day in Oakland. Gonna try to catch up on knowledge engining, as well as media publishing. :sunglasses:

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thanks @malatesta. i wanna hear how you get out of the hole if you’re up for sharing. and everyone’s different.

i drank coffee and wrestled the blackberry bush. cut it back so it doesn’t leap out and stab us when we unlock the gate. fuck you, blackberry thorns! my fingers are now full of tiny holes i can’t see and i want thicker and longer gloves.

there’s an older dude who randomly yells “clean it out” and “all one heaven” who sweeps the sidewalk near us. i’ve seen him on weekends past sweep into our gate. so today i opened our gate and swept the sidewalk with him. he told me that soon we’ll all be perfect and god will destroy the murderers and then there will be no suffering. the sidewalk is very clean.

someone poured a bunch of aspirin pills out by the tree. we swept them into the street. i put some in the trash.

anxious gardening lol



I wish I had it figured out by now. I think low key distraction helps, like printing zines or cooking. Or if you can find the right kind of movie or tv show. And accepting the anxiety, maybe? I did that last night and slept for nine hours for the first time in two weeks!

Hey, Judy, I really don’t have very good strategies. I don’t know if it’s feasible for you right now or whether you’re doing this already, but I think anti-anxiety medication can be very helpful.

Getting out of a hole is very hard, and I think I’m doing it right now half out of sheer desperation. I will tell you one thing a therapist told me, when I was at absolute bottom, and talking myself out of applying for something: “I want you to do this and I want you to get it so you can have a win, and we can build on that.”

I think I’ve talked to you about this over messages, but I think reorienting yourself to look at regular tasks as wins might help. Did you get out of bed, take a shower and feed yourself? Those are wins! You’re doing good already. Did you go further and do one difficult task that you’ve been avoiding? That’s a win too, now you can feel really good at all you’ve accomplished. Maybe that’s enough for today, if you don’t have something urgent hanging over your head maybe you can stop there. If you do, maybe you can try to do one sub-part of the urgent thing and make a little progress on it.

Then, maybe tomorrow, I think we have to think about the wins and tell ourselves that we just did this stuff and we are capable of it! And take that win energy forward. It’s like winning a race with yourself - you won! You get a prize! You accomplished something good! And let some of that fuel you for the next step. Once you get moving a little, even if there’s a long slow upward curve, at a certain point the curve steepens and you get better and better. The small things get easier, like taking a shower and grabbing a quick bite to keep you fed and healthy and going. The medium and bigger things get a little easier, because you’ve just started rehabituating yourself to doing them.

Like @evergreen said when I’m dealing in good ways I have strategies to cope, like walking outside, or cooking. Cooking is one I like because it gives you something achievable and you get a meal at the end of it. I also think just accepting it helps too. Sometimes I’ve been able to say, okay, I feel like shit tonight. I am going to just lie in bed and try to sleep, and I will feel better tomorrow, and I did mostly.